Now He's Miles Away and Casting Stones

Spirit of the Rising Sun Lift Me Up

I've lived on the lake (well, two blocks away and alongside) for two years, but this past Saturday, for the first time, I made my way slightly south to the water (flat tire + sleepy eyes and all) to see the sunrise. Seems appropriate for a lot of reasons, but I'll let the photos speak this time.

Coca-Cola, Football, Radio Radio Radio...

Summer's nearly gone.

I started off writing a really depressing blog to go along with these photos, but I thought better of it. I've been a very neglectful photographer, and I've felt really aimless. I am only just now taking the difficult though much-needed baby steps toward remerging myself in some sort of creative community so that I can rediscover some inspiration and then, maybe some time in the far off future, I will take more photographs. It's not that I don't care or that I don't want to try. I am exhausted and, to put it vaguely, really struggling with the larger mysteries of life. No, in the end, I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I graduated with a passion and a direction, of some sort, in photography, and I moved to this beautiful big city to fully realize the possibilities. But I kept jumping up and down and all around and couldn't get anyone's attention. I didn't know what to do. I had no savings and no job and no plan so I had to start working -- and I mean really working -- long and hard hours at a restaurant so that I could live here. For awhile my photography and my work in the food industry coexisted somewhat. I shot some weddings, some freelance bits here and there, and I even had an exhibit (though somewhat amateur-ly and haphazardly organized on my part) at my favorite little coffee shop this past spring.

Since April, though, I have almost solely focused on being what I hope is the perfect general manager (at previously mentioned restaurant) for my staff. I should be proud that I have stability and that I do my job fairly well. I should be optimistic about the future and my options. I should be grateful that I was promoted and greatly supported (by the owner, operating managers, and a slew of other professionals who know what they are doing in this crazy and, at times, discouraging industry -- not like me) though I'm young, inexperienced, and, well, just generally emotional about life. I have a lot of reasons to feel like I've done a good job, but I don't feel like that. I feel confused and anxious. I feel like I have something inside of me that I've pushed away and totally neglected. It isn't that I don't love my job or the people in my life because of it, but I don't nurture the part of me that has something to say, something beautiful to show. I never thought I was the most creative photographer, but I do have a point of view. Or I did. Maybe I've lost it, or maybe it's just so deeply buried that it feels completely gone.

I am not sure what I am committing to in this blog post, but I want to be held accountable for the simple things that I'm not doing. I don't blame anyone or anything for the overall lack of passion all around me. And so, at the moment, I don't really have much more than these little snaps from my phone from the past few months of summer. It's a feeble statement, but at least I am still half-awake and trying to pay attention.

We All Feel Better in the Dark

Summer's Gone

There's Always a Siren Singing You to Shipwreck

Cold Water

Theme for Great Cities

This might be my last visual update (though it consists of leftovers from the last two months) from Chicago. I will try to take some photos during my last week here, but I am not making any promises. I am looking forward to Ohio.

Color Me Once

I have been a bad adventurer lately. I try to go to the beach when I can because it's free (I'm broke) and it's fun (I love bodies of water). And -- shh -- I am trying to get a bit of a suntan. I've been unsuccessful in so many respects. I have a problem waking up early. Then I have a problem assembling myself, eating breakfast/lunch, and leaving the apartment. By the time my flip flops hit the trails, it is late afternoon. This is nearly always the beginning of my day. And, you know, it's highly annoying that it is nonstop sunshine during the three days of the week that I work and blahish during the four days of the week that I don't. I succumb to hermit-ism, and not even to do productive things like read or back-up my computer files. Instead, I watch terrible television jam-packed with informercials, eat too much bread, and wonder if my thighs or too big or if my hair is too dry.

At least when I do go out, I get to enjoy the fresh air, the sounds, the people, and, ah, the colors.

Running to Stand Still

I went for a walk yesterday. It was the first time I had been outdoors in over 48 hours.

I have been a bit of a hermit, much to my dismay. It makes me angry with myself. I am disappointed with my lack of energy, but I've been terribly lonely. I suppose I should allow myself to feel that loneliness without scolding myself for it. I hate the guilt that comes with taking time out for yourself... time to melt into the covers of your bed to shut out the sights and sounds of the world. But it does feel nice when you come out on the other side. That isn't to say that my loneliness has dissipated completely, but it is hard to feel alone sitting along Lake Michigan, watching the hustle and bustle of the happy waves... and there is some benevolent force... just this feeling of relief from the universe... like everything is okay.

Like there aren't enough silly little pictures to illustrate what I really see.