For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her

Sometimes when I want an interesting blog title, I just scroll through the song titles in my iTunes until something seems to fit. I scrolled about two seconds before landing on this song from Simon and Garfunkel. For so many reasons, it is perfect.

Thanks to Paul Simon, who keeps making unexpected cameo appearances in my daily life, and thanks to Emily, the model, for being so beautiful and so strong despite her current struggles. So far this quarter, my heart has not fully committed itself to photography. But I'm getting getting getting there. Here is a glimpse of one of my last (but not least) fashion series. On with the show.

And when I awoke
And felt you warm and near
I kissed your honey hair
With my grateful tears
Oh, I love you girl
Oh, I love you

Love

I have been thinking about permanence a lot lately. When you're young, I suppose, you treat relationships poorly. Maybe you always do this. I have tried earnestly to set my life right, to make clear my feelings and intentions, but even I have been careless in showing true love and appreciation. You fight with your parents. You are unfair to your friends. You are painfully casual with your lovers. You hold back. You take love for granted... and other people, because, at times, it is less messy to just cut everyone out. It feels like an accomplishment to go it alone. And you do this because, I guess, you assume you have time to come back around and, say, fix it all, or at least tell everyone how you really feel... what they really mean. Maybe we do have time to sort everything out. Maybe we don't.

I hate saying goodbye to love. I am scared to be alone. Most people will not admit this to you. And most people will say: "You start over. You meet new people. You'll be fine." I guess those statements bother me because they seem to establish people as temporary accessories to our lives. And though temporary is the mode of life, I don't want to treat other people that way.

I can make all of the most beautiful photographs in the world... and that can be my sort of permanence. As photographers, we treasure moments and capture whatever moves our hearts. And there aren't any rules. Most of the time, we make these photographs for ourselves. But what inspires us to keep going? Who do we look to to see the world in a new way? I think one of the only things that has kept me going through it is love... and falling in love has filled my life with beautiful photographs. I have a life that has been, in the past year especially, heavily documented. These photographs remind me that, even on a bad day, someone thought I was special enough to take my picture. I look through this blog. I've only had it a year. Most of my photographs are of the same few people. Maybe that is all I've really seen. Maybe, more than the flowers and the birds and the sweeping landscapes of Southeast Ohio, that is all I've really cared about.

I think I might've lost the point of photography if it isn't to share love. If your goal is to tell a story, what about the story of your own life? I didn't really have a point of view until I started really seeing what was right in front of me. The world is beautiful. Dare I say, it is people who make it so.

I am here. At some uncertain time in the world, I won't be. "If you love someone... never let them go," you say. I realize that an online blog hardly seems like the place for this, but why not? Why do we take these photographs? And what is our point in sharing them? What do we hope for, in our own lives, by taking pictures? I look at photo blogs everyday. Now, perhaps, you're looking at mine.

Maybe I have found comfort in the photographs beyond what they really are. I am young. Life is in flux. But I am someone... I have something to offer. These photographs are the stories of the people that I love. That, beyond whatever my education and skills profess, is what matters to me. It has defined me. I absolutely could go nowhere without love to give me all of my reasons. No matter my eventual profession, I care about using my craft and my gift as a communicator, in whatever form, to share and experience something so rare, yet so profound, it stops me... wherever I am, whatever my worries.

Because

The world is round.

"There is a crack, a crack in everything..."

"That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

Something to remember when we fall down the mountain and kiss the dirt, to quote another favorite song of mine.

It is the beginning of my last quarter of college. No doubt I will be despondent, confused, angry, sleepy, and obnoxiously achy during particular days in the next ten weeks... most of the time, I will be in need of helpful reminders because I am a slave to reassurance. Despite my fears of growing up, I believe that something extraordinary is possible. I have been truly blessed. It isn't everyday that we are able to see the world with new eyes... new inspiration... through the lens of someone we love. Even in troubled times, I will keep looking for the light.

Last Week

It's Been a Long Cold Lonely Winter

Go Outside

Be Still

I feel guilty that I haven't posted anything that I've shot for class this quarter. Still life, as you might know, is not my strength. Advanced still life is advanced not my strength. Small-scale lighting in a studio is not my strength. View camera + digital back technology is not my strength. Now that I've completely dismantled my photographic abilities, I'll leave you to your own devices.

Kind of Blue

I haven't done this for awhile.

Windows

It's winter. My house is a tranquil cell.

Portrait Project

I took an independent study this quarter to work on a personal project. Basically, I wanted to do strictly portraits as my portfolio is seriously lacking in this field. And I wanted the portraits to be of female students who are involved in creative fields -- some that I know, some that I don't know. I sort of started this project last spring in VICO 324, but I only walked away from that class with a few images that I still like. I am photographing in both digital and film formats... it feels nice to have the freedom to shoot film without the pressure of a deadline looming over my head.

I suppose there is something I want to say about being a young woman in a field that forces out of you a certain amount of personality. I haven't found the words yet. Maybe I can gather my thoughts after all the photos are taken.

Love Comes Tumbling

I barely picked up my camera during the holiday break, but I did shoot my first-ever wedding on December 19th for the Shifleys. Here are a few of my favorite photos.

It was a small wedding and very casual. It was also partly a favor for a long-time friend of mine. I was very nervous for the day, feeling unprepared and inadequate with my experience level and my gear. Not only have I never shot a wedding before, but I am not much of an event photographer. Likewise, I didn't have access to strobes or lights, and I only had my 50mm lens. I felt very uncomfortable at first... and I will be the first to admit that I wish I would've gotten closer to capture more moments. However, I am proud of myself for rising to the challenge to photograph something outside of my comfort level.

Overall, it was sort of a heartwarming day on a personal level. As I edited through the photographs, I noticed that I took more pictures of Ellen, naturally, since she was the bride. But in several of the photos, she is alone. I cannot say that this was intentional on my part, though Greg was always running off somewhere, and Ellen was right where all the action was most of the time. I suppose my edits sort of say something about my feelings, though. After enduring the good and the bad of human relationships, both romantic and non, it has often difficult for me to pick myself back up and welcome new love into my life. I seem to be at such a tender place in my life that these relationships, and their undoings, have had a profound effect on me.

Naturally, along with the happiness of a new relationship comes an overwhelming sense panic. I think a wedding is an easy place to identity all of these strong sentiments... the nervous rush to get things in order, to get dressed, to get the kids ready... and underneath it all, the shock that the day has arrived. Obviously, I have never been married. But, as I find myself months away from graduation, in a serious relationship, I am confronted with strong feelings of panic. Then again, life is short. I suppose we all need a day to just stand back and relax... to welcome the blessings, the new gifts life has given us, and to enjoy the occasional piece of cake.

A Long December

As usual, I am behind... or, behind by my standards. I haven't been taking many photos since the quarter ended. Instead, I have been working 40 hours a week in Undergraduate Admissions, filing freshman college applications in a stuffy office, drinking too much coffee, taking too many bathroom breaks, and listening to too much NPR. The job's most interesting component is that I get caught up in all the application essays and letters of recommendation and ACT scores and early-nineties birthdays. It feels strange to have this job as I am months away from graduating, reflecting back on my last four years of growth. I am still uncertain where I will end up when June rolls around, but hopefully I will not be working a 40-hour-a-week office job, because so far, it's ruined both my back and my sleeping schedule.

Anyway, I spent a lovely and cozy Thanksgiving with Charles' family in St. Clairsville. It was my first Thanksgiving away from my own family -- what seems like a milestone. Though I love the holidays, there are aspects of this time of year that drag my spirit down. The dark little corners and painful nostalgia. The freezing cold hands and feet. The gray morning and the gray evening... and the space in between in which I am cooped up indoors. At least I don't have the opportunity to sleep the day away.

Here are a few photos from the end of November, little low-light moments before winter comes rolling in, full force.

Falling Away

It's morning and it is freezing in my house. This cup of hot tea has a funny taste to it. It's Saturday, post-holiday, post-Black Friday, post-anything newsworthy. Charles has, in his dedicated fashion, updated his blog with beautiful photographs of his family from Thanksgiving. I brought my camera to his house; unfortunately, I didn't take photos of his family members... just quiet little corners of his neatly decorated home. But, I haven't come here today to post those as they idly reside in my camera. Instead, I will post some photos I took while fall was still technically fall in Athens, though everything looks cold and dead and drab, welcoming a thick layer of snow. I am comforted, sitting in my kitchen in the early hours of the day, eating these store-bought cinnamon rolls. I'd rather not venture out into the world to complete tasks and things.

These photos were taken at Stroud's Run for the annual Dawn 2 Dusk project... they weren't published in the paper, unfortunately. I was a little disappointed. I guess a few other folks got all landscapey for the shoot, so mine were sort of overlooked. And maybe the tilt-shift didn't translate that well on print.