"There is a crack, a crack in everything..."

"That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

Something to remember when we fall down the mountain and kiss the dirt, to quote another favorite song of mine.

It is the beginning of my last quarter of college. No doubt I will be despondent, confused, angry, sleepy, and obnoxiously achy during particular days in the next ten weeks... most of the time, I will be in need of helpful reminders because I am a slave to reassurance. Despite my fears of growing up, I believe that something extraordinary is possible. I have been truly blessed. It isn't everyday that we are able to see the world with new eyes... new inspiration... through the lens of someone we love. Even in troubled times, I will keep looking for the light.

Last Week

It's Been a Long Cold Lonely Winter

Go Outside

Be Still

I feel guilty that I haven't posted anything that I've shot for class this quarter. Still life, as you might know, is not my strength. Advanced still life is advanced not my strength. Small-scale lighting in a studio is not my strength. View camera + digital back technology is not my strength. Now that I've completely dismantled my photographic abilities, I'll leave you to your own devices.

Kind of Blue

I haven't done this for awhile.

Windows

It's winter. My house is a tranquil cell.

Portrait Project

I took an independent study this quarter to work on a personal project. Basically, I wanted to do strictly portraits as my portfolio is seriously lacking in this field. And I wanted the portraits to be of female students who are involved in creative fields -- some that I know, some that I don't know. I sort of started this project last spring in VICO 324, but I only walked away from that class with a few images that I still like. I am photographing in both digital and film formats... it feels nice to have the freedom to shoot film without the pressure of a deadline looming over my head.

I suppose there is something I want to say about being a young woman in a field that forces out of you a certain amount of personality. I haven't found the words yet. Maybe I can gather my thoughts after all the photos are taken.

Love Comes Tumbling

I barely picked up my camera during the holiday break, but I did shoot my first-ever wedding on December 19th for the Shifleys. Here are a few of my favorite photos.

It was a small wedding and very casual. It was also partly a favor for a long-time friend of mine. I was very nervous for the day, feeling unprepared and inadequate with my experience level and my gear. Not only have I never shot a wedding before, but I am not much of an event photographer. Likewise, I didn't have access to strobes or lights, and I only had my 50mm lens. I felt very uncomfortable at first... and I will be the first to admit that I wish I would've gotten closer to capture more moments. However, I am proud of myself for rising to the challenge to photograph something outside of my comfort level.

Overall, it was sort of a heartwarming day on a personal level. As I edited through the photographs, I noticed that I took more pictures of Ellen, naturally, since she was the bride. But in several of the photos, she is alone. I cannot say that this was intentional on my part, though Greg was always running off somewhere, and Ellen was right where all the action was most of the time. I suppose my edits sort of say something about my feelings, though. After enduring the good and the bad of human relationships, both romantic and non, it has often difficult for me to pick myself back up and welcome new love into my life. I seem to be at such a tender place in my life that these relationships, and their undoings, have had a profound effect on me.

Naturally, along with the happiness of a new relationship comes an overwhelming sense panic. I think a wedding is an easy place to identity all of these strong sentiments... the nervous rush to get things in order, to get dressed, to get the kids ready... and underneath it all, the shock that the day has arrived. Obviously, I have never been married. But, as I find myself months away from graduation, in a serious relationship, I am confronted with strong feelings of panic. Then again, life is short. I suppose we all need a day to just stand back and relax... to welcome the blessings, the new gifts life has given us, and to enjoy the occasional piece of cake.

A Long December

As usual, I am behind... or, behind by my standards. I haven't been taking many photos since the quarter ended. Instead, I have been working 40 hours a week in Undergraduate Admissions, filing freshman college applications in a stuffy office, drinking too much coffee, taking too many bathroom breaks, and listening to too much NPR. The job's most interesting component is that I get caught up in all the application essays and letters of recommendation and ACT scores and early-nineties birthdays. It feels strange to have this job as I am months away from graduating, reflecting back on my last four years of growth. I am still uncertain where I will end up when June rolls around, but hopefully I will not be working a 40-hour-a-week office job, because so far, it's ruined both my back and my sleeping schedule.

Anyway, I spent a lovely and cozy Thanksgiving with Charles' family in St. Clairsville. It was my first Thanksgiving away from my own family -- what seems like a milestone. Though I love the holidays, there are aspects of this time of year that drag my spirit down. The dark little corners and painful nostalgia. The freezing cold hands and feet. The gray morning and the gray evening... and the space in between in which I am cooped up indoors. At least I don't have the opportunity to sleep the day away.

Here are a few photos from the end of November, little low-light moments before winter comes rolling in, full force.

Falling Away

It's morning and it is freezing in my house. This cup of hot tea has a funny taste to it. It's Saturday, post-holiday, post-Black Friday, post-anything newsworthy. Charles has, in his dedicated fashion, updated his blog with beautiful photographs of his family from Thanksgiving. I brought my camera to his house; unfortunately, I didn't take photos of his family members... just quiet little corners of his neatly decorated home. But, I haven't come here today to post those as they idly reside in my camera. Instead, I will post some photos I took while fall was still technically fall in Athens, though everything looks cold and dead and drab, welcoming a thick layer of snow. I am comforted, sitting in my kitchen in the early hours of the day, eating these store-bought cinnamon rolls. I'd rather not venture out into the world to complete tasks and things.

These photos were taken at Stroud's Run for the annual Dawn 2 Dusk project... they weren't published in the paper, unfortunately. I was a little disappointed. I guess a few other folks got all landscapey for the shoot, so mine were sort of overlooked. And maybe the tilt-shift didn't translate that well on print.

I'm Only Sleeping

Most of the time, I hurry through my assignments for work. I am the photographer for the School of Health and Human Services, and most of what I have to shoot is completely foreign to me since I am used to directing pretty people in pretty clothes. For work, I point the camera and push down the shutter and it's almost mindless. And I am disappointed in myself for not having this gift of being able to make the most of every photographic situation. I am timid, yes... and maybe too painfully uninterested in every day life.

But every now and then I walk away with an image or two that I like.

Maybe I am too obsessed with an ideal and a fantasy. And perfection that isn't really even there.

Gimme Shelter

These images were shot for a mock-up article in TIME on the housing crisis in America (a class assignment in which students choose an issue, a publication, and a means of illustrating the issue). I had a blast with the shoot, but it was a lot of physical labor carrying household furnishings into fields and in and out of the woods. Luckily, all of the furniture was donated/came from my home, and I had Charles and his mighty manpower to assist me in all the carrying and car loading. My poor little Sundance barely made it to Stroud's Run and back, but that's another story for another day -- and the general theme of my life, don'tcha know.

The tilt-shift lens makes me drool, but the price makes me cry. It is so expensive to be a photographer, and I have been poor my entire life, even more so now that I am trying to maintain a portfolio, promote myself, and look for work in metropolitan areas. I have never been of the impression that the gear makes the photographer, but I am extremely insecure about my financial resources in this field. I look for a light every day, and I hope the gods are kind to me when I leave the ivory tower of Ohio University.

In other news, I need to stop staying up past my bedtime.

Park Here

There are several photos I'd love to share, particularly of new class work, but the Lord's truth is that I'm just too lazy for my own good. I am unmotivated to organize and edit new photos. I am unmotivated to work on my portfolio web site. I am unmotivated to study for a mid-term, or to drink my cup of hot tea, to put on my pajamas, or to wash my face for bed. But, here is a glimpse, just to fill up some time and space, as I observe my boyfriend next to me, faithfully updating his blog with fresh new eye candy.